Men as Key Allies for Domestic Violence Survivors During the Pandemic Lockdown
- Domestic violence is about power and control—confusing love with the right to own one’s partner.
- Male power and control over women (patriarchy) is as old as civilization.
- Male gender role expectations still subtly (and not so subtly) prescribe dominance and aggression.
- These expectations are reinforced by messages that devalue women and girls:
- You run/throw/talk like a girl!
- Act like a man!
- Domestic violence occurs with great frequency:
- 1 in 7 women and 1 in 25 men have been injured by an intimate partner.
- In heterosexual relationships in which there is violence, the man is the abusive partner in 85% of cases.
- Intimate partner violence escalates during times of crisis.
- The pandemic, with it’s “stay at home” mandate, exacerbates the isolation of survivors and exposure to their abusers.
- This situation also makes it harder for survivors to reach services because they are always in the presence of their abuser.
- Men can be vigilant regarding what their friends, brothers, and coworkers are saying about their relationships with their partners during this stressful time.
- If we hear other men talking about their partners in disparaging ways, such as:
- Saying that she needs constant supervision
- Saying that she does everything wrong
- Saying she’s way too sensitive when they argue
- We can:
- Ask if he ever pushes, slaps, trips, or in any other way hurts her physically
- If so, and/or it’s clear to you that he treats her in ways that are physically or emotionally abusive, tell him this is not okay with you.
- Ask him to join you in making a call to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) so that he can get help.
- Do not suggest couple counseling as this frequently makes the problem worse.
- It is particularly important for men to be allies for survivors in this way because, unfortunately, men tend to listen to one another more respectfully than we listen to women.
- Other things men can do to help end intimate partner violence:
- Be a positive role model:
- Consistently show the same degree of respect for people of all genders.
- Teach boys to respect people of all genders (and all other identity characteristics as well).
- Share a broad range of feelings, not just “I’m Ok” or “I’m pissed.” Doing so will help you connect more deeply with others (and with yourself).
- Touch other people only in ways that show caring.
- Be an upstander, not a bystander:
- Challenge men and boys who make disparaging comments or jokes about girls, women and other groups of people who have been marginalized.
- Be a positive role model:
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a 24 hour resource, providing guidance and referrals for survivors, those who are abusing their partners, and allies.
- 800-799-7233
- thehotline.org
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